1. Take a baby to Sears Portrait Studio.
2. A snotty sales lady will tell you that it will just be 5 minutes before they're ready for you.
3. Spend 20 minutes trying to keep the baby from crawling, drooling, falling down face first or crying so as not to ruin her outfit and appearance. Do not succeed.
4. Be prepared to physically fend off the photographer who keeps bringing in crappy props like plastic sleds, fake ivy, a big number '1' and plastic columns. Keep insisting that you want only black or white backgrounds. Be prepared to kick stupid plastic blocks across the room.
5. Dance around wildly in overheated studio room making monkey noises trying to get baby to smile without sticking out her tongue or drooling a tsunami.*
6. Go back out to waiting room where they tell you it will just be a minute. 7. Wait for 30 minutes with an increasingly frustrated baby. 8. Watch as the previously "boring" pictures are altered into misty collage circles with bubbles and angel wings. Insist that you do not want any crap on the photo, including the halo. Insist again.
9. Try explaining that you are going for a more professional look and really don't think the digital editing with the hideous flower looks anything like Anne Geddes.
10. Ask about the pricing. Sales lady will tell you she cannot tell you the price until you select the photos.
11. Try not to bitch slap the lady when she tells you it is $7 extra a sheet to zoom in just a tad. Try not to yell out, "I just saw you zoom in and it took 1 second! How is that worth $7 a sheet? Now, that there fake beach background might be worth $7 a sheet, because it is so very pretty and realistic. But zooming in? Please."
12. Get very confused as the sales lady uses all her used-car tactics on you, and changes your order a few times just to really confuse you.
12. Watch the printer break and the lady gossiping on the phone instead of fixing it.
13. Snicker a little when you see all the crushed goldfish crackers the baby has ground into their carpet. Do not clean it up.
14. Come home and try installing babyproofing cabinet locks. Do not succeed.
*These photos are taken by me, not by Sears, (hence the blurriness, drool, preponderance of middle fingers and lack of angel halos).