Friday, November 10, 2006

Recipe for Annoyance

Hey! Do you feel like torturing yourself today? Yes? Then, I recommend taking the following steps:

1. Take a baby to Sears Portrait Studio.
2. A snotty sales lady will tell you that it will just be 5 minutes before they're ready for you.
3. Spend 20 minutes trying to keep the baby from crawling, drooling, falling down face first or crying so as not to ruin her outfit and appearance. Do not succeed.
4. Be prepared to physically fend off the photographer who keeps bringing in crappy props like plastic sleds, fake ivy, a big number '1' and plastic columns. Keep insisting that you want only black or white backgrounds. Be prepared to kick stupid plastic blocks across the room.
5. Dance around wildly in overheated studio room making monkey noises trying to get baby to smile without sticking out her tongue or drooling a tsunami.*
6. Go back out to waiting room where they tell you it will just be a minute. 7. Wait for 30 minutes with an increasingly frustrated baby. 8. Watch as the previously "boring" pictures are altered into misty collage circles with bubbles and angel wings. Insist that you do not want any crap on the photo, including the halo. Insist again.
9. Try explaining that you are going for a more professional look and really don't think the digital editing with the hideous flower looks anything like Anne Geddes.
10. Ask about the pricing. Sales lady will tell you she cannot tell you the price until you select the photos.
11. Try not to bitch slap the lady when she tells you it is $7 extra a sheet to zoom in just a tad. Try not to yell out, "I just saw you zoom in and it took 1 second! How is that worth $7 a sheet? Now, that there fake beach background might be worth $7 a sheet, because it is so very pretty and realistic. But zooming in? Please."
12. Get very confused as the sales lady uses all her used-car tactics on you, and changes your order a few times just to really confuse you.
12. Watch the printer break and the lady gossiping on the phone instead of fixing it.
13. Snicker a little when you see all the crushed goldfish crackers the baby has ground into their carpet. Do not clean it up.
14. Come home and try installing babyproofing cabinet locks. Do not succeed.

*These photos are taken by me, not by Sears, (hence the blurriness, drool, preponderance of middle fingers and lack of angel halos).


Erin said...

Wow, so this is the beta version of blogger? Looks fantastic! Nice job!

The Sears experience sounds like a nightmare. But at least you got the goldfish ground in the carpet. That should ease the resentment at least a little. Becca is adorable in the photos!

Jen said...

I like your photos. They let you take them as they were taking theirs?? I might have to try that next time we go to Penny's. The last time we went, it was strangely like your Sears experience. There's nothing like a good photographer.

Oh, and one tip a friend shared with me: get the first appointment of the day and then you have less chance of waiting.

Katie said...

Erin--yes, this is the beta version. I HIGHLY recommend it. You can do so many things with it, and it is very easy.

Jen--I took those photos at home. I can't get her to cooperate and we don't have enough natural daylight this time of year, so I gave up and paid someone to do it instead!

Ashley said...

Hilarious! I hate the dumb props and backdrops too! Do you have Picture People there? They are usually located in malls, cheap and should be better than Sears, etc.

Katie said...

Ummmm....malls? What are those? No real mall. No picture people. boooooooo!

Jamie said...

Your recipe for annoyance turned out to be a recipe for laughter... for me! Thanks.
I needed it today.

Jamie said...

Your recipe for annoyance turned out to be a recipe for laughter... for me! Thanks.
I needed it today.

Jamie said...

No clue why that posted twice. Sorry.
C and J (Jamie)

The Quinn Report said...

Your photos looked great! I love the one of Becca playing with the pearls..very cute! We had the SAME experience at the SAME Sears when we did Salems newborn photos. Yes, they pretty much suck.

Mother Bumper said...

And Katie, you just defined all the reasons I have yet to take Bumper to have her professional portraits done. Thanks for confirming my decision ;)

Also, the finger you gave your child safety installation - I hear ya!!!!!

Thanks for your supportive words over on my site - Motherhood is an incredible challenge but I've never had so much joy from so much pain (sounds kinky but I honestly didn't mean it that way).

Nicole said...

Oops, I'm blog-remedial. I meant to comment instead of email....

Your new photo under "About Me" is gorgeous!!! Whoever took that should take Becca's.

Now if you tell me it was a self-portrait, I won't be one bit surprised Ms. Shutterbug.

Bridget said...

Hey! I'm actually Erin's sister. We both blog and I came here on her recommendation!


Your little girl is adorable!

Oh, and I had a Sear's experience, too. You know those dusters that they use to shake in the baby's faces to make them smile? My son was not amused. Do they realize how dirty those things look and what Mom's must be thinking as they see you wag it in their children's faces? Also, I thought my soul had died when he finally grabbed it and put it in his mouth.

Needless to say, that was our last portrait studio trip. Now I do them myself, too, but I haven't been so bold as to post a middle finger yet. BOLD. I LIKE IT! :)

Angie said...

Yeah, I bought the smile savers program through Sears so I could go as often as I wanted. I only went that one time, though. She was tiny, so it was actually much easier to take her picture then. And, they still weren't good.

I'm glad that you could entertain the rest of us with it, though.