Sunday, April 27, 2008

Still Spazzy After All These Years

Have you ever known anyone who wore their pants inside out to church? Because I haven't. I can't imagine what kind of imbecile could actually do that. I am way too put together to go around wearing my pants inside out. Normally I just expose my brassiere when I'm at church. But I did see someone with her pants inside out today. I won't say who.

I spend a goodly portion of time these days shaking my head at the general mayhem around here and wondering how the hell I'm going to ever manage with two children. Just trying to get Becca and I ready for church this morning was like an exercise in futility. I would get one thing done, only to turn around and find a bigger problem to deal with. I got her set up with Cinderella and I ran upstairs to get showered and dressed. When I emerged, I heard.....silence......

I ran down the stairs, bathrobe flying behind me, mother's intuition on high alert and found Becca....covered from head to toe in something pink. My eyes quickly scanned the kitchen and found a giant pile of pink powder on the floor next to an empty strawberry Nesquick powder container. And, do you know what happens to Nesquick powder when it comes in contact with saliva? Well, come over to see my kitchen floor and I'll show you. I am scared to ever set foot in that kitchen again. And I JUST MOPPED it...like two days ago. I never mop it. And now I have to do it again. And I hate mopping. Maybe I'll just tell Becca to lick it up.

So, this is how I came to be wearing my clothes inside out this morning. Jersey knit maternity pants with elastic waistbands are fairly confusing when you are trying to get them on in the midst of a Code 1 Kitchen Floor emergency.

I snuck out during the sermon and went into the ladies room to try to rectify the pants problem. (Spell check says snuck is not a word? Isn't snuck a word? I'm going with it anyway.) But, then I was faced with a new problem. There were other people in the bathroom. Wouldn't they notice it if they saw formerly clad legs suddenly bare, with lots of black fabric dangling about under the door? And, if it were me, I would stick around to see who emerged from that stall to see if I could figure out what they were doing in there. Trading clothes with someone? Taking a sponge bath? So, I waited until it was vacant. Which kind of took a while.

******
Since I'm so spazzy, it only helps explain further why my child is such a FREAK. She will not sleep anymore. Yesterday she spent two hours of "nap" time in her crib shrieking and jumping and yelling and NOT SLEEPING. I went storming in there with my "I mean business" face on. You know the "mommy look" I'm talking about. I would have been scared if I were her. But she wasn't. Instead she was buck nekkid, with all of her clothes, toys, blankets, books, diaper and pillow thrown out on the floor. I angrily dressed her, told her to "go to sleep RIGHT NOW or else you'll GET A SPANKING" and stormed out of there.

Then I heard her yelling, "I NEED MY CROWN!"

She didn't go to sleep.

I am hoping to reclaim my crown of "Nap Queen" today. The stars better be aligned and the rainy, cold weather better help because GOD HELP US if I don't get a nap today. I NEED MY CROWN!

13 comments:

Susan said...

HAHAHA! I definitely have discovered 3 hours into an opening shift at Starbucks that my pants were inside out.

Natalie said...

Damn husbands. Never around when you need them. Either on a business thingie or sound asleep at 10:00am, on a Sunday morning. At least, that's how it works in my house. Or, mine would have looked at the Nesquick and asked why the hell I didn't lock the cabinet again and then hint that the lesson I should learn about having items such as NesQuick in her reach, will be learned as I clean kid and kitchen...by myself.

Lila has gotten into flour three times this week. Each time after the floor was mopped. I feel your pain.

Swistle said...

1) Maybe it's "sneaked." Like freak/freaked, sneak/sneaked.

2) I think the Nesquik would have qualified as a sign to skip church.

bevo said...

You'll do ANYTHING to get out of listening to the sermon!

Tracy said...

LOL! I am really impressed you made it to church. Extra brownie points for you! Do you need to borrow Abby?

joanna said...

Ha! I bet if your tag stayed unexposed no one would have realized your pants problem... but I know the feeling! We've had misadventures with flour, cocoa powder, and even a strawberry Quick spill. I think the strawberry was the worst to clean up. Ugh. I think you were doing good to make it to church dressed at all!

sgtsharp said...

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Welcome too parenthood.

Anonymous said...

"Snuck" is definitely not a word -- "Sneaked" is the word you want.

Tracy said...

I have been singing the song "still crazy after all these years" by paul simon all day and finally tonight I was trying figure out where in the heck I had heard that song.. That would be here!

Anonymous said...

In hillbilly language snuck is a word. Some of us have deep, deep Hillbilly roots.

Andrea & Ben said...

Oh My God. I love this post! I too would have used the nesquick as a reason to stay home.
Did you and Becca get some naps afterall?

Joel and Angela said...

Snuck sounds better than sneaked! Who made up those rules anyway?
I have caught all of my kids at one time or another in the chocolate powder. The first thing wanted to do was woop 'em (now there is a word for ya) but instead I got my camera!
So did you wear your pants inside out or totally backwards, because I know my maternity pants would fit better if I had them on backwards.

renee said...

sounds like quite an afternoon! we have had the giant size powdered tea mix on the floor ALL at once, flour, sugar, salt and pepper shakers-and those were NOTHING compared to the oh so tasty, ooh so gooey,ENTIRE bottle of aunt jemima on the hardwood floor early in the morning-that was the one that i had to either laugh at or break down in tears because unlike the others, i couldn't use my trusty vacuum. i laughed only because he was looking at me and saying yummy over and over....