Have you ever known anyone who wore their pants inside out to church? Because I haven't. I can't imagine what kind of imbecile could actually do that. I am way too put together to go around wearing my pants inside out. Normally I just expose my brassiere when I'm at church. But I did see someone with her pants inside out today. I won't say who.
I spend a goodly portion of time these days shaking my head at the general mayhem around here and wondering how the hell I'm going to ever manage with two children. Just trying to get Becca and I ready for church this morning was like an exercise in futility. I would get one thing done, only to turn around and find a bigger problem to deal with. I got her set up with Cinderella and I ran upstairs to get showered and dressed. When I emerged, I heard.....silence......
I ran down the stairs, bathrobe flying behind me, mother's intuition on high alert and found Becca....covered from head to toe in something pink. My eyes quickly scanned the kitchen and found a giant pile of pink powder on the floor next to an empty strawberry Nesquick powder container. And, do you know what happens to Nesquick powder when it comes in contact with saliva? Well, come over to see my kitchen floor and I'll show you. I am scared to ever set foot in that kitchen again. And I JUST MOPPED it...like two days ago. I never mop it. And now I have to do it again. And I hate mopping. Maybe I'll just tell Becca to lick it up.
So, this is how I came to be wearing my clothes inside out this morning. Jersey knit maternity pants with elastic waistbands are fairly confusing when you are trying to get them on in the midst of a Code 1 Kitchen Floor emergency.
I snuck out during the sermon and went into the ladies room to try to rectify the pants problem. (Spell check says snuck is not a word? Isn't snuck a word? I'm going with it anyway.) But, then I was faced with a new problem. There were other people in the bathroom. Wouldn't they notice it if they saw formerly clad legs suddenly bare, with lots of black fabric dangling about under the door? And, if it were me, I would stick around to see who emerged from that stall to see if I could figure out what they were doing in there. Trading clothes with someone? Taking a sponge bath? So, I waited until it was vacant. Which kind of took a while.
Since I'm so spazzy, it only helps explain further why my child is such a FREAK. She will not sleep anymore. Yesterday she spent two hours of "nap" time in her crib shrieking and jumping and yelling and NOT SLEEPING. I went storming in there with my "I mean business" face on. You know the "mommy look" I'm talking about. I would have been scared if I were her. But she wasn't. Instead she was buck nekkid, with all of her clothes, toys, blankets, books, diaper and pillow thrown out on the floor. I angrily dressed her, told her to "go to sleep RIGHT NOW or else you'll GET A SPANKING" and stormed out of there.
Then I heard her yelling, "I NEED MY CROWN!"
She didn't go to sleep.
I am hoping to reclaim my crown of "Nap Queen" today. The stars better be aligned and the rainy, cold weather better help because GOD HELP US if I don't get a nap today. I NEED MY CROWN!
Red Nose, Aching Heart by The Pioneer Woman
14 hours ago