Friday, February 27, 2009

An Idiot, Slumming and The Facts of Life

Wow. Y'all rule. I love you guys. I cannot believe it was unanimous that I take the morning flight. And tonight when I was holding Andrew during his usual meltdown time, I looked at the clock and realized that we'd be 30,000 feet in the air with another two hours to go on the afternoon flight. And then I looked at the baby who was PISSED that he wasn't in his crib with his thumb in his mouth. Did he want to nurse? No. Did he want to play? No. Did he want to be held? Hell no. Instantly I wanted to punch myself in the face for ever even considering the afternoon option.

You all had some great ideas too! Ace bandages! Scotch tape! Magna Doodles! Running! Picnics! New Toys! Art stuff! Stickers! Movies! Treats!

Once you add in breakfast at McDonald's and a coffee the size of my head, I'd say it sounds like a party at the airport! Bring it!


John is actually home. For a whole weekend. For two days in a row. On an actual weekend. This may be the first time in two years. It is like we're normal people right now.

We went on a date this week. Out for Indian food and then to see Slumdog Millionaire. It was great. Great food, great movie. Great movie. Actually lives up to the hype. Great being out of the house as a couple. Great getting carded at the restaurant when ordering our Indian beers. Green naan. Great samosas. Great dal. Great curry. Yum. Not so great stopping by the ATM on the way home to pull out our life savings to pay the babysitter. We need to learn to stop by the ATM when we first leave the house. Because it kind of puts a damper on things at the end of a nice evening. Calculating the cost per hour and how long we were gone and whether the kids were hellions and should we pay more than the neighbors......

So, today Becca asked me how Andrew got inside my tummy.

"How did you get a baby in your tummy? Did you swallow him?"


Holy shit, peeps. I was honest-to-God speechless. Speech. LESS. I had no idea they started asking questions like this so early. My brain started swirling "OH SHIT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY HERE PLEASE DO NOT LET ME SCREW THIS UP!"

I laughed nervously and stammered. I swear my eyes were bugging out of my head. All I could think of was Dooce's post titled something about 'Mommy and Daddy Shared a Special Hug'. I was trying to think of anything else but that. I couldn't think of a damn thing. "Special hug, special hug, special hug. No. Don't say it. Don't say that. Don't say special hug. Think of something dammit. Not special hug." So I mumbled something about when a mommy and daddy fall in love ummm and uh um get um uh married uh uh ummmmm well ummmmmm they can have a baby together. She eventually just got bored and walked off.

Wasn't she, like, just born? Geeeeezus. How are we already talking about this? Did I totally blow my first opportunity to discuss something very important with her in an age-appropriate way? Did I just condemn her to a life of sleaze and promiscuity because I didn't talk about it right? Will she be on the Teenage Skank episode of Maury in 11 years?


Kristy said...

I read your blog all the time. I'm delurking today to say. My son asked me this question (years and years ago at age 5) and I replied, 'After you're married you pray to Jesus a lot and when he knows that you are ready for a baby he puts it in the Mommy's belly". I always felt good about that because once he got old enough for the "real" talk, I had never technically lied.

For future reference "What is sex Mommy?" question. The answer is, "See my driver's license where it says sex, I'm a female, Daddy is a male....and that is sex. It is whether you are a girl or a boy". Technically not a lie either.


Grammy Bonnie said...

How much better did your parents do when "the question" was posed?

I think you are already on a better road. . .

Bevo said...

Katie was eleven when she freaked out and nervously blurted forth that her good friend, Jenna, told her that the youngest girl to have a baby was eleven years old!!! I told her, "Yes, but you have to DO something before you can have a baby!" Katie was SO relieved and had absolutely NO INTEREST in knowing WHAT it was that had to be done! Becca is precocious!

Bevo said...

I take that back. Katie must have been about 6 or 7 years old when that incident occurred. Becca is still precocious!

sgtsharp said...

As far as I know Sarah or Ben have never asked the question how did I get in mommy's belly. Maybe they did.

Justine said...

When I was pregnant with Ben, I got lots of books from the library (we're Sharps - did you expect anything less?). Books like "I'm going to be a big sister" or "Mommy's having a baby" or something along those lines. They explained in a very age appropriate manner how babies develop. They did not, of course, get into the whole manner of how the baby got there in the first place. I don't think there's any way you can make that age appropriate for a toddler.

Claire Green said...

I have been reading your blog for a while...just not a commenter. We were pregnant at the same time. Anyway, I know you like gadget things and you might have already seen this and decided against it, but my sister was miltary and always flying and always open to new ideas....sorry rambling. Basically, saw this product thought of you and it is here on this site:

Hope maybe it helps!!!

Swistle said...

I say, "Oh, no honey---the baby GREW in there." Then I wait to see if there are follow-up questions about WHY it grew there.

marthamydear said...

I bought a book to help with this very dilemma. It's called "Questions Children Ask" by Dr. Miriam Stoppard. I don't know if you can get it in the US, but it gives clear help on forming age appropriate answers to lots of tricky questions. For futire reference, ya know.

Tracy said...

damn your funny!