Tuesday, August 25, 2009


I've been in a rut lately, I think. I'm not really sure why....because all is well. I am just kind of...feeling.....meh. I think part of it is that I've arranged my life around Andrew's dual nap schedule and he is not cooperating and screaming through them while I'm cursing and wishing we had just gone out and done something instead. And part of it is being ready for Becca to go back to preschool because Momma needs a freaking BREAK up in this bitch. But yet as soon as I even HEAR the word school all I think of is H1N1 virus and I start to get an anxiety attack. I seriously may need professional help to deal with a pandemic. I am not cut out for this shit. I am a germaphobe. I spend a good portion of every day worrying about swine flu, and I can't seem to rationalize myself out of it. I probably think about it about 50 times a day, on a good day. You don't want to know about the bad days.

I know my kids are going to get viruses. They are going to be sick from time to time. I know that. I also know that worrying solves nothing and just brings me down. It is a waste of time. I know that. And I also know that the media hypes stuff up just to try to give people like me massive coronaries.

I guess I just get all worked up because Becca ends up having a seizure and being in an ambulance for an ear infection and spends 4 days in the hospital for a run-of-the-mill virus, so what the hell is going to happen if she gets H1N1? And I am worried about the vaccine. I really don't want to give it to Andrew (because they are already vaccinating the hell out of him this year) and I'm scared to give it to Becca because how do I know it is safe in the long term? And what if I get the virus and have to try to take care of the kids by myself? I want to hide under a rock in the Canadian Rockies and not come out until 2011. But that would be cold. And I would probably lose what is left of my tattered mind if I had to stay under a rock with the kids all the time.

So, here I sit. Being a completely irrational anxiety-ridden freak--knowing as soon as school starts the virus parade begins....and then, on the other hand, I'm wishing preschool started sooner.



lisa said...

ah yes, my bird of a feather. I can't relate to the H1N1 (is that still going on? I didn't hear much about it this summer....then again, I wasn't watching much TV). But Im the same way with the stomach flu....50times a day on a good day. Im already dreading that part of back to school (how many days will it be before it strikes....will we get it.....will it strike in the car). I know its pointless to worry because there is nothing I can do to prevent it. I know the kids will get sick. All the same things you said. I HEAR YA.

I wonder about those families that live in compounds (they're also the people that have multiple wives to share the load.....maybe they've got it right and we've got it all wrong??)-- I bet they are relatively germ free since they basically live in a bubble. What are your thoughts on this? I'd take care of your kids in the event you got sick. I got your back, sista wife. ;)

Katie said...

Lisa, I am like that about the stomach flu too. Every night I go to bed, I think, "I wonder if someone is going to barf tonight?" Really...every night that goes through my mind. WHAT IS WRONG WITH US??

Erin said...

The swine flu stuff really sucks. I am NOT a germaphobe (in fact, I'm dangerously the OPPOSITE), yet the whole thing makes my stomach do that little flippy thing when I think about it. And you have been through HELL, several times, over winter sicknesses. So I don't blame you. (Not sure that helps.)

At the risk of going all 12-step-program on you... one foot in front of the other. I think it's better to acknowledge the anxiety rather than try to squelch it, which generally doesn't work at all. Then keep moving through your day. There's nothing more you can really do anyhow. (Well, other than washing hands obsessively.)

Natalie said...

Ditto here, Katie. Actually, the germ thing has calmed down a bit with me lately b/c I've been wrapped up dealing with the Meniere's Disease diagnoses for myself. But, I'm seeing a therapist to talk about any reactive depression I may (I think it's more anxiety than depression) from the diagnosis and to go over my hypocondriac thinking, ways to deal with the anxiety that ensues and so on. And, since my four-year-old and I don't get along well, I'm throwing that in there too. Hey, it's free help and I am so not ashamed to reach out. The fact that my husband is so laid back when it comes to illness (including my chonic one) is of little help. Actually, he's so care-free and not anxious, that I have a hard time talking to him about it at all. So, in many ways, I'm in the same boat. I don't want to stress and fear, but, how do I get past that when I have a chronic illness (and how do you get past it when you have a daughter with, what appears to be, a compromised immunue system or something?) and worry about my next attack, hearing loss, etc. And, then, am I going to pass on this horrible diseaseto my kids? This week, I'm worried about Olivia bringing something home from school b/c what if me getting a normal illness is an attack trigger for my disease? So many thoughts! So, distracting, so heart racing. Maybe it's one reason my hair is falling out!

Hang in there. I think it's totally worth a consult. Not that you have time for therapy (what mother does? I don't, not really). But, maybe it'll help. Wish I could tell you a certain self-help book will solve all your problems. I haven't found one yet.

sa_grammy said...

You will have help from us if and when you need it. So far they are saying that we oldies are not as likely to get it.
Hang in there.

Bevo said...

No wonder you feel stressed. You've been through a lot of medical trauma with BOTH kids. Remember how RARE it is to have complications from Fifth Disease? Sorry to remind you - but since you think of it 50 times per day anyhow... I'm just saying it's completely understandable. Why not get help? Go!

Jen said...

Also been in a funk here. Must be going around. Would like a vaccine for that, please.

Anonymous said...

Locking the door and putting your whole family in quarantine is actually a pretty effective way to avoid any viruses. Of course, that means you have to start before you get sick and stay inside for as long as the virus is circulating. Therefore, you need to have enough food (and TP and everything else)in the house to last that long -- two weeks? Six weeks? Oh, yes, and that you won't lose your job if you stay home all that time. Certainly not easy for most of us, but it worked for American Samoa in 1918.

As for complications from the vaccine itself...who can know for sure. But back in 1976, I was vaccinated against that strain of swine flu (having read about the death toll in 1918) and suffered no ill effects. All vaccines have some risks, and some individuals are more susceptible than others; but the bad effects are very rare.

(Great) Aunt Linda