Do y'all spend a lot of time thinking about your life and whether you are doing the right thing? Because I do. I spend HOURS a day examining every detail of my life. Why I FEEL this way. Why I feel THAT way. Why I do THIS. Why I do THAT. Wondering how other people do things. My GOD! Why can't I just relax?
(Did you notice that? Now I'm analyzing why I spend so much time analyzing.)
I'm a freak. Case closed.
Why can't I relax?
I can SLACK OFF like a fucking CHAMP.I'm a MASTER SLACKER. But I am not RELAXED. In fact, quite the contrary. I am far from relaxed. I'm on the couch, stuffing my face with Goldfish, feet propped up, magazine in my lap....DVR on.... but my mind is whirling with continual to-do lists and questions and anxieties. I'm not accomplishing anything. But I'm not relaxing. It is more like I'm procrastinating and avoiding things, which actually causes more stress than you would think.
I can spend 20 minutes taking an online quiz about life strengths and yet, can't seem to get up and write out those bills and those thank-you notes, not to mention cleaning the bathrooms or folding the laundry or doing the dishes or the grocery shopping or the cooking or taking out the trash or emptying the diaper pail or painting the walls, or getting two years of photos printed or getting library books returned or making sure children have had baths, and shoes that fit and the flower beds have been weeded and the sheets changed and the floors vaccumed and birthday cards mailed and myself to the gym and showered and so many people I haven't talked to and I need to make phone calls and I need a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment and the babysitters need to be contacted. Then, I'll trudge off to bed and lay there stressing out about how much I have to do, and how behind I am getting and how annoying that is.... and why didn't I do any of it? Jesus.
Sometimes I think it is just because of the nature of my "job." The whole "You can work on it all day and night and it never gets done because there are two little people interfering and it is the same shit day in and day out so why bother cleaning it up" thing. Or, is could be my new Adult Onset ADD thing. Or it could be the fact that I'm not very internally motivated. I am bothered by chaos, but not motivated enough to do anything about it unless my boss is making me do it. (See Also: two small children who make me do a lot of shit!) Or, is it just because I don't LIKE doing the things that need doing? Or maybe I'm just lazy.
Welcome to my brain. Pull up a chair and stay awhile.