I was drifting back through the archives wanting to find that one entry about when Becca had a 104 fever and was talking about cookies. How did she pronounce "cookies" at 18 months? I couldn't remember, but I knew I had blogged about it.
I looked at page after page of antics, indecisions, daily life as a new mom in a new town. I seemed so young and so clueless. And yet, I was 32 with a kid. I wasn't THAT young and clueless. But damn. I have AGED disproportionately in the past couple years. I've aged more than 4 years. I've aged a good 12. I'm not even talking about the sagging eyelids (that's new this year!), the wrinkles, the age spots, the gray hairs. I'm talking about INTERNALLY. I've aged. I know it is so obnoxious when people in their 30s talk about being old and where are their dentures, ha ha ha. Because, clearly, I'm not a senior citizen yet. And I don't exactly feel like one. But I feel so....so...grown up. I feel like early motherhood has put the smack down on me. The not sleeping, the never, EVER getting anything done EVER, the constant gnawing anxiety and worry...especially about things that haven't even happened yet....like teenagers. (I know! IT IS GOING TO GET WORSE! I HAVE HEARD!)
I don't have that light, carefree feeling anymore. I don't just drift where the wind blows me wondering where the hell I am. I have tried to get a grip. I've gotten the much-yearned-for routine. I am on a schedule. Sure, I can still blow it off when I want (it's only preschool! Who cares if she skips a week?) But, really.....I'm getting tied down. I am unable to sit around aimlessly and complain to the Internet so much. I feel like I'm always running, always doing, always being productive.
And y'all. You'll never guess what.
I know. I know. I can't believe it either. I'm more settled. More in the groove of this parenting thing. I definitely don't have shit figured out at all, but I feel like I've been through the damn ringer so continuously for the past 5 years that I'm kind of getting used to the ringer....oh look! What a nice little patina that ringer has on it over there. It is so comforting.....pretty ringer....
I'm thinking about my life more. What I want to do. Where I want to go. Who I want to be. How I want my kids to be. I'm not just getting tossed in the waves and battered up against the shoals quite so much. I'm paddling. Hard.
On Knowing Better and Doing Better
2 days ago