Thursday, March 31, 2011


I'm kind of struggling right now with something. I probably shouldn't write this for the whole world to read. And I probably am just hormonal and pissy and sick of fricking fracking winter and how is it the last day of March and I'm still in boots and a coat and it might snow? And how I haven't seen the sun in two days. And how if I have to get down and scrape up bits of cheese off the floor one more time today I might blow a gasket. I don't know.

I'm going to just put it out there: I still don't feel this is HOME. I have lived here longer for four years now. That's longer than any other place I've lived since I was 18. The longest I've lived anywhere as an adult. And it isn't home. My house feels like home, but the locale just isn't it.

Is this spring fever I'm feeling? Or, is it something bigger?

I feel claustrophobic and harried here. I miss wide open spaces. I miss seeing a breathtaking sunset off over the horizon and the big breath I always take when that happens. I miss big sky. I miss sunsets over lakes. I miss hills and views and vistas and road cuts. I miss rocks. I miss mountains. I miss nature. I miss margaritas and enchiladas. I miss live country/bluesy/folksy music. I miss my family.

I really really miss looking out over the horizon. I miss wildness.

Everything here is so landscaped and developed and crowded and cultivated. And busy. And crowded. Everyone is rushing everywhere. I'm sick of of that feeling. I miss the laid back feeling of being out west. Arizona, Colorado......that deep breath. The mountains on the horizon. The crystalline air. I miss people smiling at me in the grocery store. I miss long stretches of empty highway.

We just watched the movie Crazy Heart and the scenery in that movie almost killed me. I was stricken with homesickness.

I'm just waiting for it to pass. Because, I know. I know. I have a great life here. There is so much to do. So many cultural and educational opportunities. We are within a few hours drive of many different amazing cities. There are lakes. There are mountains within a days' drive. There are friendly people. Things are good. Things really are good. I can't complain. (Except I am).

Wah Wah Wamp.

I don't know.

I just don't.

I am just feeling like a bit of wallowing today I suppose. I have turned all the lights on and made some coffee. I stayed in bed until late, letting the children run rampant throughout the house (see also: cheese bits everywhere). I got up, took a shower, put on makeup, got dressed, got out of the house, went grocery shopping, made dinner......these things all help me stay out of a funk. Its just something that's been gnawing at me for a while now and the feelings just get stronger, not weaker, with time.

We don't HAVE to live here. We could move. It would mean John would have to commute to one or both of his jobs. And we wouldn't see him as much for a few years. We could make a big change. But damn. Then I will probably look back and wish for four nice seasons in a place without cockroaches and within a few hours of the Smithsonian museums and without toddler beauty pageants and not in the Bible belt. I don't know. The grass is always greener, you know.


Smitty 1, 2 , 3 and 4 said...

Well, my dear Katie. I understand. Totally. Maybe you need to visit us out West. You will find what is right for you... Don't be afraid to voice how you feel. EVER. sometimes just saying what you feel can give you the release needed to feel better.

joanna said...

I know.

Angie said...

Oh, Katie. I do hope this is just a funk for you. It's good that you could have that option of living somewhere else. I hope I feel at home here soon. I am close to family, though.

lisa said...

Hmmm.....I think you need to go camping. ;)