Saturday, July 09, 2011

I Totally Should Have Invented This

I really wish I had written this
book Me. ME! More than any mother out there I am the one who is always raging against some kind of sleep misdemeanor.

Mostly I just whine and feel sorry for myself that all my friends' children sleep past seven, or eight, or even nine a.m. My little monsters like to be up by six.

Life is so unfair. Why don't my kids do that? What am I doing wrong? Wah. Poor me blah blah blah suburban Tragedycakes.

I should be used to it. I should go to bed at 9 every night and wake with a smile.

No, after 5 and a half years it still pisses me off. Maybe even more so. I absolutely refuse to accept it. I still wake up pissed off at 6 am every day of my life, with no breaks or weekends ever. No matter how late they stay up. No matter if they skip naps and swim 20 straight hours and go on 24 hour raging benders with hookers and blow. Their asses are up at 6 am.

And so is mine.

And the worst part is they hit the ground running. Running and hungry and whining and needy and loud and screechy and chatty. There is no cuddling in bed, or quietly laying down.

And holy shit! Mama just needs everyone to STFU. And lay the F down. And stop yelling at me. And go the F to sleep.

Or, at the very minimum....let me just sit and stew in peace and coffee for ten minutes.

So, seriously. I missed my biggest chance for instant millionaire-hood (first expenditure early morning nanny!) by not writing this book.

in other news, well. It's summer. It's humid. The air feels as refreshing as a hot bowl of minestrone. We are doing swimming lessons, which are 45 minutes of kids in the water preceded and followed by 90 minutes of Mommy's frantic preparations regarding suits and sunscreen and packed lunches and snacks and towels and last minute swim diaper "incidents." We are gone for an hour and a half-- and then I have to lie down the rest of the day. But, Becca has finally decided she WANTS to swim and indeed wearing floaties forever may not be such a great idea. So, this is major progress and makes it all worth it.

I'm waiting for HGTV's new Design Star to start.
I don't like Ann Curry as Today Show host. I like her as news correspondent.
I need some new TV to watch.
I really should stop typing and be productive.
The End.


Swistle said...

Mine are up before 6:00, too. My 12-year-old is finally sleeping late, and 10-year-old is occasionally sleeping a little later, but everyone else is like this: 5:36, 5:45, 6:02. One by one they appear. Milk! Cereal! Can we have cinnamon toast? Can we have TV?

Joel and Angela said...

My bookclub made me read that outloud! They wanted to hear it with a Southern accent. I laughed all the way through it!

Bevo said...

I may have done irreparable damage by convincing you when you were a little kid that the ENTIRE WORLD naps at 1 PM.