Dumb and Dumber

It all began when I almost gave birth in the hospital parking lot. I was obviously missing most of my brain cells when I consented to being sent home from the hospital while in active labor. I don't think it was a result of sleep deprivation...but the following vignettes are!

The next incident occured on Christmas morning--when Becca was about 2 weeks old. In my nesting phase (which was about the last 15 years..I'm a natural born nester), I purchased candles and placed them artistically around the living room. I envisioned a candlelit Alaskan Christmas. I pictured myself sitting on the couch, holding my baby, while my mom and John opened beautifully wrapped packages. Classical Christmas music would be playing in the background while the white sparkly lights shown from a fragrant evergreen tree and cinnamon apple scented candles flickered in the twilight. [ Side Note: Good thing I had a baby when I did, because I obviously had too much time on my non-parental hands].

The reality of Christmas day was that since I made us get a tree so early in December (so the house would be beautifully decorated before the baby arrived) it was completely dead by December 15. It was brown and if you came within 5 feet of it, the needles would just spontaneously fall off in large heaps.

I made a breakfast casserole the night before and put it in the fridge to be cooked when we got up.

My mom got up first and put the casserole in the oven. I got up and came into the kitchen to put the casserole in. I pulled it out of the fridge. My mom said, "I already put the casserole in." I held up the foil-covered cold casserole from the fridge and said, "no you didn't!" We opened the oven to see what she HAD put in there. It was the previously cooked foil-covered brownies that had been sitting on the counter. Oh well! We got to have warmed up brownies while we waited for the casserole to cook.

Then, while we were in the living room, I realized I hadn't lit all the pretty candles. I asked John to light the coffee table ones. They were pillar candles (not contained in jars or anything). While lighting them, he dropped a match down inside one. It put up a nice big flame for a while that had us amazed--and we admired the giant flame until it went out. Then we turned our attention to other things. I put Becca down on her activity mat on the floor.

The next thing I know, hot wax is pouring out the side of one of the candles...all over the coffee table, the living room rug, and (GASP!) the activity mat containing the baby. I guess that match burned a hole through the side of the pillar candle!! Luckily, it didn't land on the baby. It was at LEAST 12 inches away from her. Or maybe 6. But still.

Later that night I got the Christmas ham out of the fridge and unwrapped from all the wrappings. (What is up with the excessive use of plastic wrap and netting and such?) Anyway--I stuck it in a roasting pan and shoved it in the oven for a few hours. It smelled really good and clove-y and brown sugary and sweet while cooking. I was suprised that just a plain ham smelled so sweet while cooking!

A little while later, John went to check the ham (what a man!) and I heard him say "oh no." Apparently, the packet of glaze (that is to be applied after the ham is fully cooked), was stuck to the bottom of the roasting pan. It had burst. There was brown sugar all over the bottom of the oven. It burned and flamed and charred into a sticky goo. We ate non-glazed ham. It didn't taste clove-y and brown sugary and sweet. And actually, the smell of burnt sugar kind of ruined the effect anyway.

Two weeks later, I was walking past the door leading into the garage when I smelled a strange smell. It smelled a bit like exhaust. I opened the door and John's car was RUNNING. In. A. Closed. Garage. Hello Carbon Monoxide!!!!

And the capstone: Yesterday. I had Becca sitting in her car seat which was attached to her stroller as we walked around an outdoor shopping area. She was sleeping so soundly and quietly. When it was time to go home, I loaded her car seat into the car and drove off. A few minutes later I remembered I didn't have her buckled in to the car seat!

HORRRRROR! PANNNNNNIC! Dooooom! I screeched to a halt as soon as I could pull off (THE FREEWAY! Hello!). She was slumped completely forward. Like, her head was on her knees. She was still sleeping.

I, on the other hand, haven't slept well since the hospital parking lot!