Friday, January 30, 2009

Epic Common Sense FAIL

Or, How I Ended Up Drinking Sam Adams (Light) Instead of Working Out

After my vow to start waking Becca after 2 hours of napping in hopes of her sleeping past 4:38 in the morning, I did it. But, before I woke her up, Andrew went to sleep, right at 3 p.m. At 3:02 I went in to wake Becca up to get ready to go to the gym so I could workout. And after being stuck inside all week due to home repairs and Marylanders being little pussies and cancelling school for a few ice chunks, and it being the third day of a three day airline trip, I was really ready to go to the gym. Here is what happened next:

Call gym nursery, make appointments, then "Wakeup wakeup take off Dora nightgown please no no no yes you will take it off now you can't wear that blue dress it is short sleeved okay that long one is okay you have to wear tights if you don't wear tights your legs will fall off in the snow okay the rainbow tights fine they look weird but fine you have to brush your hair and get that honey out of it gross stop crying you're fine if you want long hair you have to have it brushed and i know you want three clips of various colors but that looks weird fine whatever look weird i don't care you have to try to go potty i know you don't have to but try if you don't try you don't get a snack in the car get your shoes on other foot please wrong foot wrong foot WRONG FOOT please get your jacket on get your jacket on now we have to zip it up if we don't zip it off your neck will fall off in the snow you can have your snack once you get in your carseat we're going to the gym i'm going to count to three and you better zip it i know you don't want to go but you have to you just do because I said so get in the car get in the car get in the car i know you don't want to go but you have to sorry here is a snack let me go wake up your brother and bundle him up if you don't cry anymore you can have a lollipop after the gym yes a lollipop no i will pick the color no you can't pick the color yes maybe it will be pink it is only if you don't cry anymore i have to go get Andrew now wakey wakey sweet baby don't cry i know you don't like the car seat i'm sorry i can't believe i am waking a sleeping baby to go workout i have officially lost my mind--put on hat struggle with baby jacket buckle buckle click into car-- i don't know what color lollipop we'll see after the gym yes maybe it will be pink or blue yes you're right it could be green holy crap does it really matter?

Wonder why this seemed like a good idea. Try to think positively. Press garage door opener. One side goes up two inches. Other side is stuck. Door does not open. Try again. Again. Curse. Listen to two kids crying. Curse. Disengage auto door opener, try in manual. Still no dice. Start cursing floor men. They must have banged into something and caused the problem. I saw them out here with tools and sticks and saws and floor boards and shit. God I'm stuck here now. Oh my God. What if there is an emergency and I can't get away in my car? What if there is, like, and evacuation required and I'm stuck here. Why the fuck won't that door open? I HAVE to get out of here. Okay. Don't panic. Take a deep breath.

Unload everyone. Take off coats. Take off hats. Feel like crying. Do not. Take baby out of car seat. Call and cancel nursery reservation while baby screams. Find drinks and snacks for Becca. Turn on a movie. Soothe baby back to sleep in his crib. Call Tracy and bitch about floor guys and how THEY SUCK. Kick new floors and curse. Go out to the garage with a stepladder and flashlight and pliers. Disengage manual, reengage. Try again. Nothing. Try again. Wiggle some stuff with plier. Wiggle something else. Still not working.

Hey. What is that little thing there? That little silver thing? That thing that looks like a lever? Is that a.....lock? Click. Whoops.

10 comments:

Jen said...

O.M.G. I am laughing OUT LOUD. Kate and Claire and I have that Exact Same Conversation (minus the snow bit) almost daily. You made my day.

Tracy said...

Okay, I think it was even funnier reading it than it was when you called. Hopefully you had a 40oz Sam Adams (okay, yes, I know they don't make sam adams in 40oz, but you know what i mean.)
I'm going to get that Voga tomorrow! Join me?
(the word verification is drowne. Do you think that means I you are drowning or me?)

Lost in Space said...

dANGER wILL rOBINSON

Bevo said...

I was laughing so hard that Lost in Space came to see why I was making such a ruckus.

(My word verification is dampitt! Maybe there's a little guy composing appropriate nonsense words that are similar to real words that fit the meaning of the blog!)

Angie said...

Oh the pain to get a child in the car. SO FUNNY, Katie. Hilarious.

sgtsharp said...

Did you try kicking the garage door? it sounded like one side was frozen that happen to my garage door some times. That was too funny, but why Sam Adams light EWWWWWW. drink the lager instead!! way better taste.not that piss water taste. YUCK light beer unless your drunk then who cares.

molly said...

OMG. You need to print this shit out and put it in a novel. But it's so good, that I'm beginning to wonder if you're not like the Million Little Pieces guy. We're going to see you on Oprah one day and you'll have to confess that really you never had old floors. And you have a maid. Oh, and you really live in New York City and send your kids to boarding school..

Anonymous said...

It could be worse! You could have 14 kids!

Grandma: Octuplets mom obsessed with having kids

Lysandra said...

So, I was thinking that you should have more home make-overs. I feel like all I do is talk to Michael as though I am a parrot. Wrong foot, wrong foot, WRONG F'N FOOT! I don't say f'n out loud but I am SCREAMING it in my god damned head. WRONG FOOT!

Bruce, Tamara & Lolo said...

Oh my...I'm cracking up! Bruce and I really are becoming addicted to your blog. I'm emailing a YouTube video to you...quite appropriate I think but unfortunately does not offer much hope for the future.