Monday, August 27, 2012

Hello My Darlings.

Oh how I've missed blogging. I really have. I am not even going to make any more false promises about how I'm going to get back to writing. Because I've tried that before and we've seen how that works out.

And I'm not even going to try to catch up on everything. I'm just starting where I am.

And that is this. I am sitting in my favorite chair--the one by the front window--with a glass of lukewarm sauvignon blanc at my elbow, watching.....some show about a pawn shop on the History Channel. Pawn Stars? I don't know. Why am I watching this? And, even more improtant, why do I LIKE this? And why don't I have any valuable stuff to take to pawn shops? I'm also thinking maybe I need some popcorn.

I've just spent the last half hour filling in my paper and electronic calendars with the school calendar, the kids' extracurricular activities, my choir stuff (that is, if I do it this year) and other various stuff. And then I held the paper calendar back at a distance and looked at how full it was and instead of processing that, I decided to just write to you instead! MOVE ON TO THE NEXT ITEM PLEASE. That's my brain's refrain.

I was looking at this calendar (I know! Enough about this boring ass calendar!) And it is filled up with all the stuff--horseback riding, choir, soccer for Andrew, soccer for Rebecca, school holidays, doctor appointments, dentist appointments, birthdays, John's work schedule, who needs to be where and when....and then as I looked at it, I noticed things like the equinoxes and the phases of the moon. And it brought back that old familiar feeling.

DISCONNECT. Its a feeling I get from time to time of being disconnected from nature and the natural way things should be. I have no freaking idea what phase the moon is in. Ever. I know that it is trash day tomorrow and that I need to send in a permission slip to school tomorrow and that there's a giant thistle patch I need to weed. And don't forget to stop by the library and Goodwill and the grocery store. And I need to get to the bank and the post office and buy soccer cleats. But the moon? And the connection to the natural world? Just....not there.

And I feel mournful about this. I feel like I need to schedule NATURE on my already jam packed calendar. But I feel like even if I do that (which is better than not doing it), I will still just be checking another square.

I don't know if I'm lazy or if I'm truly lacking something...or maybe a combo. But I just wish I could just go sit outside on the deck. And just watch the trees and the moon and the birds and the sky. And not be running my way down one To-Do list and back up another.  I wish I would TAKE the time to do that. But the problem is the guilt. I feel GUILTY if I'm not ACCOMPLISHING at all times. I can't just go SIT. I have XYZ that needs to be done. The house is never clean, the laundry never completely done, the list of errands incomplete, people have places to be and they need me to buy their equipment, put it on them and drive them there. I need to keep the household running and bathe and feed and shop for people. I also need to workout and weed the garden. How can I just go sit outside and not do anything?

I can't.

Maybe that's the purpose of retirement. To just....BE. Without DOING.

 I wonder if I can accomplish this in my current life. Not my life 40 years from now. I wonder if anyone else feels this way. None of my friends ever say anything like this. I wonder why I feel this way. I spend a lot of time wondering about things......I wonder why?

No comments: