"You're only as old as you feel," they say. And I think, "I guess that makes me 87." Some days I feel old. Beat Down. Today I looked in the mirror after sleeping only 2 hours in bed, pacing the house with a crying baby for 2 hours and sleeping two more hours on the couch, jammed in an awkward position and tightly curled under a too small blanket--and wow. I look old. Who is that haggard person looking back at me? With the new gray hairs, and the underye wrinkles. Who is that?
And yet, some days I have a hard time believing I'm an adult. I asked my neighbor this weekend if she feels qualified for adult-hood. Because sometimes I really feel like I'm a teenager posing as an adult. It isn't that I feel that I'm not responsible or competent, because I am. It isn't that I feel I can't handle adulthood, because I can. It is more that I feel like I am just acting like an adult and deep down I'm really just an angsty teenager, playing the part of grownup. My neighbor looked at me as though I had three eyes. She had no idea what I meant.
I remember our early years in the Air Force, when I was 22, 23, 24....and how old I thought the 30-somethings were. How ancient. How boring. They left the club at 9 or 10 p.m. just when it was getting good. They couldn't go on the spur of the moment midnight sun camping trips in Alaska. They couldn't sleep their hangovers off all day on Sunday...they had kids. They were old.
Now that is me. And I'm quite happy to leave the bar at 9 p.m. or really to just not go to the bar at all. What's wrong with dinner and a movie? Why would I want a hangover? Those people weren't so much old. They were just grownups. And now I'm a responsible grownup. But deep down, sometimes, I still feel like I'm posing....and no matter how old I get midnight sun camping trips will always be a good idea.