It has just dawned on me that I think I've let myself go. Not in the usual way. Well, maybe a little in the usual way. I do often have baby slime on my shirts. And I go way too long without having my eyebrows waxed. And my clothing is all a few years out of date and I eat too many chicken nuggets and french fries. And sometimes (okay, often) I go out in public looking like a drowned rat. But, mostly I've let myself go in another way.
A big part of me has died. The part that was on top of things and uptight and anal. I am really no longer anal at all (unless you count the germaphobe stuff, which I don't because that is just common sense, really.)
I have become....I'm scared to say this....but I think I have become.... laid back.
I know. Take a minute to let that sink in.
I would take a picture of what is going on around me, but I can't find the camera. And, even if I did take a picture, I'm too lazy to upload it. Trust me when I tell you that I am in the middle of a swirling dervish. I just can't continue to care about certain things when they are so unattainable. Things like returning library books on time. Keeping track of where the bills are. Filing papers. Folding laundry. Wiping giant chocolate fingerprints off cabinets and walls. Sweeping up stepped-on Goldfish crackers. Planning anything in advance.
Or, I can be on top of it for a few days. And all is well. But soon everything descends back into chaos. It still annoys me, but I'm not uptight enough to do anything about it. I don't worry about small things as much as I used to. I just can't. Actually, I can't really worry about the big stuff anymore either (except illnesses. We don't want to talk about how much time I spend worrying about that.)
Things that would have driven me mad a few years ago just sort of roll-off my back now. I do a lot of shrugging and saying "whatever." Who is this person who has invaded my body? Do I like her? I'm not sure.
Hospice files: P. goes home
9 hours ago